When she was suffering? he was suffering? there was all kinds of hot pussy walkin? around the campaign office but he was sticking to his morals, helping her pick out stupid wigs. (Booooooring!) Then once that caner went into remission so did his lack of boners for hotter ladies. (Best sentence I?ll write all month)

The chick was his online video producer, which sounds a little too much like a fake job you give the gal your bangin?. ?Let?s give you a title that says literally anyone could do this. How about ?Camera Holder?? Or maybe ?Person Who Knows How to Use iMove and/or YouTube??

Ann Coulter, we?re waiting for your retraction. Your gaydar is way off.

You only need drugs to have a crazy good time.

You need drugs to have a "lets stay up till Kathie Lee Gifford comes on TV" good time.

You need drugs to have an "I didn't realize Kathie Lee Gifford was actually on the Today Show, I was just trying to say lets take drugs forever" good time.

You need drugs to have a "hey smoke this weed it's great- just kidding it's crack" good time.

You need drugs to have an "I'm so mad at you for tricking me into smoking crack- just kidding I'm not. Part of me knew it was crack the whole time. Is there anymore?" good time.

You need drugs to have a "cheer so loud at a KISS concert you shit your pants" good time.

You need drugs to have a "realize you are not at a KISS concert and you never were, and now the employees at Spencer's Gifts want you to get the hell out of the mall and take your shitty pants with you, because apparently that part was real" good time.

Most of all you need drugs to have a "write this bit and try to perform it onstage" good time.

I?ve seen a woman in Flint in her late 40s with blonde dread locks (She might have been the mom of the twins from the second Matrix movie.) who flashed her panties at me every time I looked at her. (It might have been the other away around.)

I?ve seen a comic double check that all the acts before her were clean then dive head first into a joke about swallowing a load two minutes into her set.

But last night, I saw and experienced something exceptional: the loudest craziest heckler I?ve ever dealt with.

I played a bar last night in Willoughby, Ohio along with Steve Hofstetter, Phil Mazo and a local feature act. Everyone in the bar was watching the Cavs beat the Celtics in game 6 of the playoffs. Right after the game ended one of the bartenders lowered the lights and sound and set up a green spotlight at the front end of the room serving as the stage. I asked him to say something quick to introduce me and he said something like ?No way man, these people are crazy?

I took the stage and started doing a little crowd work, talking about the how I hoped the Cavaliers crush Boston in game 7. This was apparently when a drunk, heavyset woman* at the end of the bar noticed there was a show going on and started yelling stuff. The following is my best recollection of what happened next:

?You?re from New York, how dare you associate with my Cavs.?
She yelled this repeatedly during my first two jokes till I had no choice but to respond.

?Got it. You win. I hate the Cavs. Even though I don?t think they care about you particularly. Now can we make this the last time we talk to each other ever for the rest of our lives??

The crowd seemed to like that, and she got quiet enough to ignore, so I moved on.

Later in my set I talked about having a one-night stand and she burst in again.

?Look at yourself!? she yelled.

From here, things got loud on my part.

?That?s impossible, I can?t look at myself, my eyes are in my head and there aren?t any mirrors!? I screamed, which sounds stupid written out but got the crowd behind me again.

?No look at yourself, you are pathetic, you?ve never had a one night stand.** You wouldn?t know what to do! "

?Good thing I?m never ever going to have one with you lady.?

At this point the whole crowd was cheering but she wanted things to escalate further, she started yelling at me for picking on her.

?Don?t act like I decided to pick on a random slob at the bar to bother, you started talking to me, let?s play it back, let? go to the tape, let?s go to the god damn videotape!?

Suddenly I was having the best set of the trip, thanks to the worst audience member of my life.

If nothing else, this road trip has prepared me for the next one, no matter what happens.

1

-Mike

*The best part was that this lady actually brought her laptop to the bar, like she was firing up her e-trade account after nine cosmos.

**FYI, I?m not pathetic because I don?t have one-night stands, I?m pathetic because I DO.

But who has time to read all those profiles? I'll tell you who, a guy named Notme McSomeoneelseington.

So I have prepared the following generic letter. However, because these women are all unique snowflakes, some customization is necessary:

Hey there, I'm a little new to this, I'm pretty sure this is how you send out a message on (NAME OF DATING SITE).

I was a little hesitant to use this for the first time ever, what with my real-world success rate. (4 and a half successes this fiscal year)

But then I read your profile.

When I read that you "enjoy going out on the town but also like to stay in and watch a movie," I said to myself ?if this gal also says she likes travel and/or her family I'm totally going to take a crap in my pants."

Don't worry, I didn't really, I just added that because you said you like guys with a sense of humor.

I think it's great that you're a teacher. Those kids must be a real handful! Look forward to hearing all about them, but not on a school night!

I also noticed you want a guy that can "keep up with you in a conversation."

I was all like "Whoa! This chick has got to be crazy smart!"

Well I gotsta go, this girl I used to date won't stop calling me. In closing, I just want to say that I really liked your profile, epically the picture.

If you are the hot one in that group of five girls, we should totally hang out.

Hope you have a good (DAY OF THE WEEK)!

-Mike

In response to Dog the Bounty Hunter's recent racist remarks, last week he announced plans to be buried at the slave cemetery at Mount Vernon, presumably after his death:

"Children will come to [the burial ground] saying 'Why is dog buried there? Why is that white man laid there?' And [their parents will] be able to say, 'because that white man made a terrible mistake and he requested that"

Through my inside sources I have learned that the folks at Mount Vernon are so behind the idea that they have already begun preparing promotional materials to reflect this upcoming addition. I have obtained an exclusive sample and, if you'll have me, I'd like to share it:

Come to Mount Vernon, where history comes alive! See where the father of our country hung his tri cornered hat, and where his slave's unmarked graves serve as an eternal place of punishment for c-list celebrities!

Join our historic re-enactors (pictured above) as you make your own cornmeal and cider while recording a family member saying the n-word!

Make sure to visit the Dog-Washington Pavilion to buy a copy of Washington's memoirs or a mullet braiding kit!

That infamous cherry tree, did Washington Really cut it down? Could he really not tell a lie? And why we would bury a semi-obscure reality television star in the middle of a historic site just because he asked us to? Find out the answers to those questions and many others!

Whether you are here for a day, a week or all entirety because you wouldn't let your son date a black even though you didn't care if she was "a Mexican, a whore or whatever" we hope to see you soon at Dog's Mount Vernon.

Coming soon... that one white chick that spit on the black chick on 'Flavor of Love', unless the Smithsonian grabs her up first!

9. Top Ten Lunch Specials On This Chinese Menu I Found

8. Top Ten Daytime Judge Shows I Have Seen

7. Top Ten Items I Will Purchase at Duane Reed After The Show

6. Top Ten Merlots I?ve Ever Had

5. Top Ten Ingredients That Go Into This Bottle of Diet Pepsi I am Drinking

4. Top Ten First Names of Ten People I Know

3. Top Ten Numbers From One to Ten

2. Top Ten Fun Creaky Sounds I Can make With This Chair

1. Top Ten Fingers on My Hands

From The Offices of Satan, Lord of the Underworld

Dear Minions,

Halloween will soon be here, where you will take to the streets to corrupt the minds of mankind through ancient pagan rituals that will ultimately lead to our complete domination of all existence. What a glorious time! Rise my minions! Rise!

But you know, as I walk around the office, I hear murmurs. People say Halloween has become stale, secular and that people could care less about lil' ol me.

The other day I overheard one minion saying thee whole thing had been reduced to nothing more than giving fun-sized mounds bars to kids dressed like Optimus Prime.

At first I was mad, but I had to admit, he had a point. Our hearts have just not been in it this year. His heart especially, because I forced him to eat it while it was still beating then sent him to writhe in a lake of fire for all eternity, but you get the idea.

The only people who still think Halloween is actually demonic are Mormons and the idiots who worship me. I can?t say I blame them, in the last few years the holiday has been corrupted and commercialized to the point that even I hardly recognize it.

I say lets put the me back in Halloween. Let?s make this the most satanic (or me-ic) day of reckoning ever. I have a few ideas to get us started:

1. Purchase UNICEF.

2. Eliminate all decorations that feature skeleton?s smiling or dancing. Totally unrealistic.

3. Encourage the consumption of excessive amounts of dark chocolate, which as we all know is positively sinful.

4. Witches and vampires, the mascots of the holiday, are no longer scary. Too add to their mystique, spread the rumor that Witches are racists and Vampires have AIDS.

5. Step up our links with the living via Ouija boards, Heavy Metal Music and the face of every smiling baby.

6. Reach out to modern, empowered women by doing away with slutty nurses outfits in favor of slutty doctor?s outfits.

7. If you see trash in the hallway, pick it up, even if it?s not yours. (That?s not a Halloween tip, just something that I think everyone would benefit from.)

I like to think we are all part of a team here in the underworld, even a family. Now lets turn this around before I summon flying flesh eating insects with spinning blades for hands to murder you and your families over and over. Just kidding? sort of.

See you in hell,

Satan

PS- Whoever has been taking other people?s food out of the fridge, be aware that we have installed a camera in the break room.